Imago Terms

All terms, concepts and experiences are covered thoroughly in Getting the Love You Want;
A Weekend Workshop for Couples

Imago:
(“eeh-MAH-goe”, n., pl. Imagos) An often idealized image of a person, usually a parent, formed in childhood and persisting unconsciously into adulthood.

Imago:
The Latin word for image. Imago Relationship Theory holds that as children we develop a composite image of our childhood caretakers. This image is a compilation of their positive and negative traits. When we begin the search for a mate, inevitably we are drawn to someone who bears a remarkable resemblance to that image; the image of what someone who loves us will be like with us.

Imago Relationship Therapist:
A licensed and credentialed professional who has completed a year-long training (over 96 hours) in Imago Relationship Therapy through the Imago Relationships International, and is qualified to call him/herself a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist.

Imago Relationship Therapy:
An innovative approach to couples counseling which focuses on developing communication skills used to re-discover each other and heal past hurts that are influencing your relationship today. You reach beyond defenses developed in the past to build a rewarding and happier life in the present. IRT trains couples to connect with safety so that the relationship becomes decidedly more effective and fulfilling.

The theory, therapy and skill building is based on the work of Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., a husband and wife team, whose work is described in the best-selling books:

  • For Couples: Getting the Love You Want and Receiving Love
  • For Singles: Keeping the Love You Find
  • For Parents: Giving the Love That Heals

Intentional Dialogue:
The foundational tool of Imago Relationship Therapy on which all others are built. The dialogue consists of three steps: Mirroring (with Summary), Validation and Empathy. There are two people in a Dialogue, a Sender of information and a Receiver of information. The goal is to feel connected, for the Sender to feel heard, and for the Receiver to feel safe. Practiced regularly with discipline and sincerity, this experience will transform your relationship.

Mirroring: The Sender sends information and the Receiver mirrors or repeats, as accurately as possible, what they heard their partner say. Ex: “You said … Did I get you? Is there more?” When there is no more, the Receiver Summarizes what the Sender has shared and checks with the Sender for accuracy, “So in summary, you said … Do you feel like I’ve got you?” This step alone reduces reactivity and creates safety. Mirroring done well is very healing.

Validation: Is a statement by the Receiver that acknowledges the sensibility of the Sender’s point of view. Ex: “You make sense … the way you see this issue makes sense.” This is a statement about the logic of the Sender’s perspective, not a statement of agreement or disagreement with the Sender’s perspective.

Empathy: Is a statement by the Receiver about the Sender’s feelings and is the final step in the Intentional Dialogue. Ex: “I imagine you might be feeling (angry, sad, excited, etc.), are those your feelings? Are there other feelings?”

Appreciations:
A statement you make about something your partner has said or done or a way in which they have been with you that has resulted in you feeling connected, safe and loved. Your partner, the Receiver, mirrors the appreciation until there is no more about that. Ex: Sender: “I appreciate …” Receiver: “So what you appreciate about me is … Did I get you? Is there more?”

Positive Flooding:
An experience where you immerse your partner in appreciations and admirations with statements of what you like about their physical characteristics, their personality traits, their behaviors, ending with a global statement of your overall love for them.

Surprises:
To re-romanticize the relationship, you listen for random droppings, things your partner says here and there about what they want or wish for, and you gift your partner in those ways. This triggers in them feelings of being loved, being heard and seen, and feeling important. The gift is in the noticing.

Caring Behaviors:
You identify specific and repeatable behaviors that your partner can do that make you feel loved, cared for and cherished. Your list includes things your partner did in the past, things they currently do, and some ideas of what they might do in the future. With a list written by you, your partner can hit the bull’s eye every time they aim to make you feel loved and cared for.

Exits:
Acting out feelings rather than expressing them in words; any behavior or activity that allows you to avoid intimacy (emotional or otherwise) in your relationship. There are many functional exits: spending time with children, with friends, hobbies, chores, work, drugs and alcohol, etc. Exits provide the porthole to affairs and the like.

Gift of Change:
This tool is designed to help you transform criticism and frustration into growth and healing, the gold within your power struggle. Your partner’s frustration with you signifies his/her a longing or unmet need and your opportunity for growth. When you stretch to fulfill a Gift of Change, you help heal your partner’s unmet need while you reclaim wholeness … it is a win-win proposition. As such, when your partner has a frustration with you, you can begin to get excited!!

A Stretch:
A way in which you modify your behavior in order to enhance the safety and intimacy of your relationship.

High and Low Energy Fun: Time spent one-on-one with your partner, without friends or children, that is physically vigorous and emotionally intense (High) or consists of bodily contact and physical pleasure (Low). High and Low Energy Fun often produces laughter which reduces stress, increases spontaneous joy, and builds safety.

Relationship Vision:
A combined set of statements about how you both would like your relationship to be in its most mature form. Energy follows intention and so this experience is designed to give you something to live into. It is written in the present tense as if you are living it now! Dare to Dream Big !!!