My Imago Story

I learned about Imago Relationship Theory in 2002 when the husband of a couple I had been working with recommended that I read Getting The Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. Imago theory states that we come into committed relationships with an unconscious agenda to heal the wounds of childhood and grow ourselves up. Applying this theory to various aspects of my twenty-one year marriage, I realized that our relationship had indeed been one of healing and growth.

I had grown up in a family where intense emotions were expressed with a lot of heated energy, while my husband, Jeff, had grown up in a family where emotions didn’t seem to exist; they were certainly never addressed. Both marriages ended in divorce so when we entered into our relationship we were determined to do it differently, but we had no idea of what was possible. Over the years, we worked hard to find a way to honestly express our feelings so that we could maintain our connection, but it wasn’t easy. I had to learn to contain my emotional energy whereas Jeff had to learn to express his. For that to happen, we had to learn to make the space between us safe. According to the theory, we were drawn to each other to learn from each other; as I looked back, I realized we had. Brilliant! I wished I had found this book earlier in our marriage!!

The more I read, the more Imago Relationship Theory made sense to me and so I entered into training and became a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist in 2005. Since then, my primary mission as a therapist has been to help couples become conscious of the growth and healing that is possible in their committed partnership.

In order for me to become a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist, my husband and I had to attend a Getting the Love You Want weekend workshop for couples! The idea was to gain a personal experience of the theory and techniques in order to be effective in my work with couples. In that transformative weekend, we gained a perspective and a set of tools and techniques that set us forever on a path of greater understanding for why we had chosen each other, how we would inevitably trigger each other’s best and worst selves, and what we could do, in fact needed do, in order to accomplish our unconscious agenda of growth and healing.

Over the years, we have consistently applied Imago principles which have transformed our relationship. Using the Intentional Dialogue, we have experienced much less reactivity, greater understanding and compassion, and therefore greater safety between us. We give Appreciations and Positive Flooding regularly because we know that satisfying relationships have a ratio of five positive interactions for every one that is negative. As we’ve become more conscious in our relationship, we’ve closed Exits, stretched to grant each other’s Behavior Change Requests, and created a Relationship Vision that boils down to what we call the ‘secret sauce’ in our recipe of love. We sprinkle our relationship with Surprises and Caring Behaviors that follow the Platinum Rule: give to your partner what s/he wants you to give them. In both giving and receiving love, we have been able to make great headway on healing our childhood wounds and growing into who we were always meant to be. Today, our relationship consists of much more High and Low Energy Fun.

We are a couple like any other; occasionally we get stuck in old patterns, but we have a set of tools that we know work and we know they can work for you too. Jeff, a non-therapist, and I present the Getting the Love You Want workshop for couples together and it has become one of the many ways we keep ourselves aware of the power of the work; we see it transforming couples as we’ve seen it transform us.

To Deepen the Connection in Your Committed Relationship Consider Imago Relationship Therapy

Intentional Dialogue: The foundational tool of Imago Relationship Therapy on which all others are built. The dialogue consists of three steps: Mirroring (with Summary), Validation and Empathy. There are two people in a Dialogue, a Sender of information and a Receiver of information. The goal is to feel connected, for the Sender to feel heard, and for the Receiver to feel safe. Practiced regularly with discipline and sincerity, this experience will transform your relationship. Mirroring: The Sender sends information and the Receiver mirrors or repeats, as accurately as possible, what they heard their partner say. Ex: “You said … Did I get you? Is there more?” When there is no more, the Receiver Summarizes what the Sender has shared and checks with the Sender for accuracy, “So in summary, you said … Do you feel like I’ve got you?” This step alone reduces reactivity and creates safety. Mirroring done well is very healing. Validation: Is a statement by the Receiver that acknowledges the sensibility of the Sender’s point of view. Ex: “You make sense … the way you see this issue makes sense.” This is a statement about the logic of the Sender’s perspective, not a statement of agreement or disagreement with the Sender’s perspective. Empathy: Is a statement by the Receiver about the Sender’s feelings and is the final step in the Intentional Dialogue. Ex: “I imagine you might be feeling (angry, sad, excited, etc.), are those your feelings? Are there other feelings?”
Appreciations: A statement you make about something your partner has said or done or a way in which they have been with you that has resulted in you feeling connected, safe and loved. Your partner, the Receiver, mirrors the appreciation until there is no more about that. Ex: Sender: “I appreciate …” Receiver: “So what you appreciate about me is … Did I get you? Is there more?”
Positive Flooding: An experience where you immerse your partner in appreciations and admirations with statements of what you like about their physical characteristics, their personality traits, their behaviors, ending with a global statement of your overall love for them.
Behavior Change Request: This tool is designed to help you transform criticism and frustration into growth and healing, the gold within your power struggle. Your partner’s frustration with you signifies his/her a longing or unmet need and your opportunity for growth. When you stretch to fulfill a behavior change request of your partner, you help heal his/her unmet need while you reclaim wholeness … it is a win-win proposition. As such, when your partner has a frustration with you, you can begin to get excited!!
Relationship Vision: A combined set of statements about how you both would like your relationship to be in its most mature form. Energy follows intention and so this experience is designed to give you something to live into. It is written in the present tense as if you are living it now! Dare to Dream Big !!!
Surprises: To re-romanticize the relationship, you listen for random droppings, things your partner says here and there about what they want or wish for, and you gift your partner in those ways. This triggers in them feelings of being loved, being heard and seen, and feeling important. The gift is in the noticing.
Caring Behaviors: You identify specific and repeatable behaviors that your partner can do that make you feel loved, cared for and cherished. Your list includes things your partner did in the past, things they currently do, and some ideas of what they might do in the future. With a list written by you, your partner can hit the bull’s eye every time they aim to make you feel loved and cared for.
High and Low Energy Fun: Time spent one-on-one with your partner, without friends or children, that is physically vigorous and emotionally intense (High) or consists of bodily contact and physical pleasure (Low). High and Low Energy Fun often produces laughter which reduces stress, increases spontaneous joy, and builds safety.