When we attempt to address issues in our relationship that are negatively charged, we often begin with criticism and it sounds like:  “You Always…” or “You Never …”  When we speak to our partner in  critical, blaming, shaming, “You” language, we freeze them in exactly the place we dislike them.  We give them no way out!

Dialogue of Desire – Restructuring Frustrations

I notice I am experiencing some reactivity when … (Frustrating Behavior, i.e., “when you don’t call me.”).  Would you be willing to listen to me as I explore what this is about for me?

Partner:  ”Yes” or “I can in a little while” and say when.  If you are familiar with the Imago Intentional Dialogue, then mirror, summarize, validate and empathize throughout.  You are aiming to have a felt sense of your partner’s experience as you listen, and to reflect what they’ve said so they feel heard.

When (that) happens, I feel (Feeling, i.e., “angry, sad, scared, anxious, suspicious, concerned, etc. .. feelings are one word statements).

I think (Automatic thoughts, assumptions, i.e., “you don’t care about me” .. “I don’t matter to you” .. “you are out with someone else” .. “you’ve been in an accident.”

And then I behave towards you by (Reactive Behavior, i.e., “criticizing you, shouting at you, withdrawing from you” etc).

What scares me about this is (Fear, i.e., “that we’ll just drift further and further apart over time”).

When I think about it, what I really want under all of this is to feel (Desire, i.e., “cared for” .. “important to you” .. “trust and confidence in us”).

When I feel (cared for by you), I behave towards you by (Connecting Behavior, i.e., “being kind and caring in return”).  A recent time when that happened was … and when that happened, I felt …, and I behaved towards you by …”

Partner:  summarize what you’ve heard, ask if that feels like a good summary; if so, thank your partner for sharing; if not, listens for clarification then summarize new information and thank your partner for sharing.  ”What touches me about what you said is …”

Thank you for listening.

• Apologizing in person, face-to-face
• Being willing to enter into a Dialogue
• Being willing to listen to (mirror, validate, and empathize with) how your actions have hurt the Other (my personal addition and a point I would have made had my call been taken)
• Making it clear that you understand how the Other felt because of your actions so that the Other feels seen
• Admitting wrong-doing (stating, with specificity, what you did) and taking responsibility for it
• Being able to say, “You were right, I was wrong.”
• Being willing to show vulnerability and humility about having offended the Other
• Changing your behavior (actions speak louder than words)
• The recipient perceiving that the apology is sincere
• Allowing for the restoration of dignity and psychological healing of the recipient
• Being able to apologize to yourself makes it more possible to apologize to an Other

According to the show, an effective apology is motivated by a sense of shame and guilt, and by having an empathic connection with the Other, whereas a fraudulent and insincere apology is motivated by a desire to get out of trouble.

This is not an easy process for many reasons.  When you look at the critical components of an effective apology, how does your most recent apology compare?  If you want to make amends for something you’ve done to someone you love, and you want assistance, please contact me.  The potential for connection, growth and healing is powerful.

To listen to The Diane Rehm Show in its entirety, go to: http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2010-07-15/apology

Feb 18 & 25, 2012  (attendance on both days constitute completion).

This workshop for couples offers a perspective and set of tools to enhance and deepen your committed relationship. Understand why you chose each other as partners in a long-term committed relationship; why it is that you will inevitably trigger each other’s best and worst selves; and, find out what you can do, in fact need to do, in order to deepen your relationship!

Attending this workshop is comparable to 3 to 6 months of weekly therapy sessions in cognitive and experiential learning.  Couples who attend this workshop in addition to private couple sessions, and who work regularly to use the tools learned, are the couples who experience the greatest gains in deepening their connection.  For me, there is nothing more gratifying than to facilitate and witness a depth of connection between two people.

I look forward to the possibility of hosting you and your partner as you journey together through this weekend of learning, experiencing, working, having fun, and connecting.

Warmly,

Julie

For more Information: <Click Here>

Dates to be Determined.

This workshop is for couples and individuals who are interested in understanding past and present relationships as crucibles for personal growth.  Begin the process of relational growth by:  Embarking on a fascinating journey of self-discovery; Understanding why you will be attracted to certain types of people; Discovering how old ways of coping are sabotaging your relationships; Letting go of old hurts and old ways of being in relationship; Developing new skills for better communication and connection, even in conflict; Creating a personal growth plan based on new insights.

If you are a couple who has attended Getting the Love You Want, a weekend workshop for couples, and you are each interested in exploring further your individual issues, this is an ideal workshop for you to attend either together or alone.

I look forward to the opportunity of facilitating your personal journey.

Warmly,

Julie

For more Information: <Click Here>

An alternative approach to change is Appreciate Inquiry, which I was reminded of recently as I listened to my husband talk about a meeting that he was preparing to lead. As I looked into the concept, I realized that this is what I teach couples right from the start as I get them to shift their focus from what’s wrong in the relationship to what’s right! I do this by teaching a dialogue on Appreciation (see an earlier blog: The Power of A Fully Expressed Appreciation). So I share with you what I discovered.

Appreciative Inquiry suggests that we approach change from the standpoint of looking for what is working in our life; the tangible result of the inquiry process is a series of statements that describe where we want to be based on the high moments of where we have been. Because the statements are grounded in real experience and history, we know how to repeat our success.

Assumptions of Appreciative Inquiry (with respect to relationships):

In every relationship (group, family, couple) something works.
What we focus on becomes our reality.
Reality is created in the moment, and there are multiple realities.
The act of asking questions (of one’s self and one’s partner) influences the relationship in some way.
People have more confidence and comfort to journey to the future (the unknown) when they carry forward parts of the past/present (the known).
If we carry parts of the past forward, those parts should be what is best about the past/present.
It is important to value differences.
The language we use creates our reality.
The goal is to seek the root cause of success (not the root causes of failure). In doing so, there are two points to remember:
What you look for is what you get; the questions you ask determine the answers you get.
Where you think you are going is where you end up.
Three principles to keep in mind are:
If you look for problems, you find more problems.
If you look for success, you find more success.
If you have faith in your relationship and yourself, you can accomplish miracles.
So, here’s a dialogue to have with your partner following the Appreciative Inquiry model of change.
Ask your partner if they are willing to dialogue with you about the future of your relationship and let them know that you want to investigate ways to enjoy it better together.

What I see as having worked well (past), or as working well (present), in our relationship is …
A specific experience I had/have with you was/is …
The story I make up about what made/makes that experience possible (listing contributions of yourself and of your partner from your perspective) was/is …
How I felt/feel when I had/have that experience with you was/is …
When I had/have this experience with you, how I behaved/behave with you was/is …
What I enjoyed/enjoy about that was/is …
What I would like to experience more of with you is …
How I might contribute to having more of that with you is …
What might be challenging for me in doing that is …
How I imagine you might be able to help me with that is …
What I appreciate about you right now is …
When I consider approaching change from a deficits perspective, I feel a loss of energy and some hopelessness. When I consider approaching change from an appreciative perspective, I feel inspired, energized and hopeful. It is my wish that you feel inspired to give it a go .. explore with your partner ways to make your relationship the best it can be.

I was recently reminded of the power of a fully expressed appreciation.

About a month ago, my husband and I were presenting a Getting the Love You Want workshop for couples and we volunteered to do a demonstration of an Appreciation Dialogue; I agreed to be the one appreciating him. To give you some history … I’d been having trouble with my new computer and needed his help at the shop to explain the issue in techno-terminology. His schedule was really tight at work, but he managed to reschedule a meeting so that he could meet up with me and help get my problems all sorted. When it was all over, I could have said simply, “Thanks for the help today” and left it at that.

Instead, I took this opportunity to fully appreciate him. I looked into his eyes and told him I appreciated him having taken the time to meet me at the store in the middle of his hectic day, that I knew he didn’t have the space in his calendar and yet, by moving a meeting, he created the time to help me, and I really appreciated that. I appreciated that he’d been working really hard lately and that he’d been experiencing a lot of pressure from work, and so his effort to make the time to help me meant even more. I also appreciated that he did it all with an attitude of love and support and that what this told me about him as a person was that he is a generous and committed person. The feelings that came up for me as a result of all of this were that I felt gratitude, I felt loved, I felt important and special, I felt like a priority for him and like I really mattered to him. All of that was deeply healing for me; for many years in our marriage I longed to feel this way with him, and so each time I experience him this way, it moves me closer to feeling deeply secure in our relationship. Had I simply said, “Thanks”, I would have missed the whole experience. I felt a deep connection and love for him in the moment of appreciating him so fully. We each got a little misty-eyed.

When we were done, someone commented on how much there was in my appreciation that is so often never spoken, and how much depth and connection seems possible as a result of going there; this was an eye-opener to them having seen the demonstration. My husband spoke up and talked about how meaningful it was for him to hear my full appreciation of his effort. It had indeed been a very difficult time at work and it was hard for him to make the time to meet up with me, that having done so and being so appreciated for it made all the difference in the world! He felt recognized and appreciated for his efforts. He spoke about how healing it was to experience me appreciating him so fully because he has often felt unappreciated in life (by me, the children, work, and by his parents as a young boy) for all that he does.

I suspect you too have opportunities to experience the depth and connection that is possible when you experience moments of appreciation for your partner. To help you share your appreciation more fully, I offer this dialogue so that you can gush over them in a way that is healing and connecting for you both.

Let your partner know that you want to appreciate them for something so that you have their undivided attention. Sit comfortably across from each other so that you can look softly into each other eyes without straining. Take a few deep breaths to center yourself and to connect with the depth of your appreciation. And say:

Something I appreciate about you is …
What I really appreciate about that is …
What that tells me about you, your character, is …
When I experience you that way, what I feel is … and what it heals in me is …
How I’m feeling as I share this with you now is …
Expressing an appreciation fully is as beneficial to the sender as it is to the receiver. It just feels good! Give it a go and comment on your experience!! I look forward to hearing from you.

We do things for our partner as an expression of our love for them. Often, those expressions lack impact or go unnoticed because they are not expressions of love that speak to our partner; they are expressions of love that, if our partner did them for us, would speak to us! Remember the Platinum Rule: Do unto your partner as they would have you do unto them.

By learning your partner’s love language, you can increase the likelihood that your expressions of love will have the positive impact that you intend.

Here are the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES:
Affirmation / Words: verbal compliments; words of appreciation; praise and encouragement; kind words; noticing and appreciating the others positive actions and qualities.
Attention / Quality Time: being available; doing something enjoyable and interactive together; giving uninterrupted, undivided, and focused attention, quality conversation in which both talk and listen, creating memorable moments, self-reealing intimacy.
Action / Acts of Service: willingly (not forcibly) doing things for the other; welcome helpfulness, timely and positive response to requests (not demands) of the other; acts of kindness, done with loving attitude (not fear, guilt or resentment); acts that reflect equality and partnership.
Affection / Physical Touch: loving (never abusive) physical contact at appropriate times and places; tender hugs, touches, or pats on the arm, shoulder, or back: back or foot rubs or massages, kissing, holding hands, holding while crying and comforting; intimate touch, caresses and sex.
Appreciation / Gifts: tangible objects freely offered; symbols that you thought about; gifts of any size, shape, color or price; visual symbols of love without any strings attached (or to cover up failure); gifts given anytime, not just on special occasions.
To learn your partner’s love language, ask them to click the link below and take the test; you do the same. Then, have them write a list for you of the various things that you do or have done (maybe even could do, according to their love language) that, when you do/did them, they felt loved and cared for by you; make a list for your partner as well. Now that you have your list, you can be sure that your expressions of love will have the impact you intend them to have!

Based on Garry Chapman’s
The Five Love Languages
http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp